I Am Not Keeping A Diary
by Norbit
Summary: During the Trojan War, Olympus was thrown into chaos. God battled god! During this whole mess, Zeus kept a diary to complain about everything from apples to Agamemnon. He's just lucky Hera hasn't found out what he says!
1. The Benefits of Fresh Fruit

**A/N: **I had to write this for a school assignment some months ago, and I just found it today on the computer. "Hey," I thought to myself, "I should totally post this on !". So I did. These were looked over by my classmates and by my teacher for errors.

Journal 1

Well, if there's one thing that never changes on Olympus, it's that someone is always arguing. This time it's Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite. They've been at it for months over some apple – it's got "to the fairest" or something like that on it and they obviously can't split it or anything, oh no, that would be sharing, which no respectable god would ever do. Ugh. Sadly, I can't stop their bickering, because they've been asking anyone who tries who the prettiest is. Hera's my wife, Athena's my daughter, and Aphrodite is just ruthless. No matter who I choose, the other two will make me suffer. So for the next while I'll be avoiding them. Especially Hera. She's still mad over that incident with Europa. And the ones with Rhea, and Mia, and Leto, and Leda, and some others whose names escape me at this moment.

_Later:_ I was cornered by Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite. As of right now, I am bearing mental scars. To get them to stop badgering me, I suggested asking a human male, because they wouldn't have any kind of emotional baggage with these goddesses. Except for a desire to not get smote. Hmm. Aphrodite asked which one I meant, as there are so many underfoot. Paris was the first one who came to mind. Okay mortal, as I recall. Regular with the sacrifices. They were satisfied with this and left me alone in blessed peace. Paris will be either an amazing solution or an absolutely terrible one.

_Later:_ I am inclined towards the "absolutely terrible" side of things now. Just so I can get it straight at last: Aphrodite told Paris that she would give him the woman of his dreams if he voted for her, so he did. Paris's dream girl is apparently Helen, who is already married to the king of Sparta. Aphrodite likes tragic love, so she gave her to Paris to take back to Troy. This has started a war. Oh, and to top it off? Athena and Hera found this out, told everyone that Aphrodite cheated, and sided with the Greeks. Now, Aphrodite is on the Trojan side. In fact, everyone is choosing sides, instead of staying out of what was originally just those three's little squabble over fresh fruit! Everyone but me. Of course, this won't turn out to be anything big. In a little while I can just go and talk to the three of them about fixing all this up. The mess won't last for more than a few years.


	2. A Plague On All Your Houses

Journal 2

So I was completely and utterly wrong about that so-called "fresh fruit argument" some years back. This war has gone on for ten long years of half of Olympus not-so-subtly avoiding the other half. But now it looks like it's finally over! This girl of Apollo's priest got kidnapped, and now he is raining down death and sickness on the Achaean soldiers, and it looks like they might have to retreat. You know, if everyone wanted their side to win so badly, why didn't _anyone do something like this before? _But Hera's going to try and save "those honorable Greeks", who are pretty much exactly like the Trojans except for having different cities, by leading them to call a council.

_Later:_ So the Greeks clued in on why Apollo was causing a plague (if he wants the Trojans to win, why did he tell the Greeks what happened and how to fix it, so that the plague would stop and not just kill them all?). However, the payment for everything to end was the girl that was taken from that priest, and the guy who had her demanded payment right then and there! . . . Which probably wasn't the best idea, since the only other girls around were already in the possession of the other officers (Achilles wasn't too keen on that either). Anyway, this led to a huge fight and Achilles stalked off. It's looking like a really good day to be a Trojan!

_Later: _Last night Thetis came up to me. This wasn't a bad thing, because she's always been quite pretty. However, she wanted to talk about the war. I thought for a moment she wanted me to join in on the Greek side, because Achilles is her son, her husband is a Greek king, and that's where she lives when she's not on Mount Olympus or in the sea. But she actually wanted me to throw in my lot with the Trojans! This is surprising for several reasons: one, her son could die; two, her husband could die; three, I hadn't heard either of those two had done anything to compromise her immortal honor. So it came off as a pretty coldhearted thing to do. However, she is actually very convincing! She even brought up that one time when everyone but her betrayed me, and she saved my life. I told her that I would have to do some thinking about this, and she was welcome to come back any time. But really, this choice probably all depends on the next good sacrifice I get.


	3. The Walls Between Us

Journal 3

Today was . . . not so good. So there's this Trojan prince, Hector. As mortals go, he was one of the better ones. Always gave me a good sacrifice up on Mount Ida. One of my favorite mortals. But Achilles, who backed out of this honorable war, was hunting him around the walls. I wanted to help Hector, because I saw in him great deeds that he might do, and I worried that he would die before Achilles. However, because I hadn't chosen a side yet in this war, I thought it best to ask the other Olympians what their thoughts on the matter were. Athena, who fights for the Greeks, gave the strongest argument: that his fate had already been decided long ago and that while being the greatest of the gods I _could_ defy this, she said that not everyone would support me. Considering the prophecy about one of my children killing me, I like to play it on the safe side, and told her to do as she wished. Apollo, however, was angered over this, as he is fond of the Trojan hero too, being on his side and all. He begged and begged me to intervene, but I told him the same as I did Athena: to act as he saw fit. He helped Hector to evade Achilles, but Athena ultimately succeeded in helping Achilles killing Hector. Now both of them are back home and . . . not on speaking terms. Ugh. As if we needed more of that. But back to Hector! See, I still wasn't quite sure about not interfering. Ever since Thetis came up to me to try and convince me to join the Trojans, I've been a little leery of the Greeks. So I set up my scales (note: borrowed those from Hades. Need to return them) and weighed how close each one was to their death. Hectors weighed as closer almost immediately. When I called Apollo with this news, he left Hector, knowing that the pull of death was far to strong to evade, and Athena began her work with Achilles in earnest. So all of us but Athena were up on Olympus watching the fight, and we saw the trap she laid. Nowadays, I'm frequently reminded why she is the goddess of war. Hector, again displaying the honor a warrior, stated that he would treat Achilles well if he died, which seemed bitter to the Trojan allies, and hilarious to the Greek supporters. Needless to say, Hector died, and in vengeance Achilles has decided to dishonor his body in every way he can think of. Just because I did it to my father doesn't me these mortals should copy me!


	4. No Weddings and a Funeral

Journal 4

So Achilles is supposed to be a man of the highest honor. I can't help but side with the Trojans on this one: Achilles's behavior has been highly dishonorable both to him and Lord Hector. Everyone knows that to get to the underworld you need to be buried, so denying Hector burial was cruel. However, I have since told him to return the body. I believe that Hermes has even gone down to help Hector's father, since that man decided on his own to get his son's body back. This probably marks the end of the Trojan War, with the Greeks victorious. This will make me look stupid for helping the Trojans, especially since it was against my wife and my daughter's wills. However, now that I've helped them, Thetis has cashed in her favor, so I won't have to worry about that obligation anymore.

_Later: _Achilles has not only given the body back without argument, but made sure that neither he nor Priam would become angry enough to make him disobey me! This obedience surely means that he is the next mortal to become my most favored, since Hector has so recently died! Maybe when he faces his death I'll save him, like I failed to do for Hector. I must remember to send Hermes to help Priam make the return journey from the Achaean camp, because it would be disastrous if he were discovered there. After all, I am still technically aiding the Trojans and I do not want him dead under any circumstance.

_Later: _The Trojans are preparing a massive funeral for Hector, which I have been watching occasionally, since he was one of my most favored mortals. He's being given full honors, since he died an honorable death in battle. Sometimes the accomplishments that mourners at mortal funerals talk about amuse me, because they've done so little over their short lives. However, Hector was a great warrior, and I have enjoyed stories about war since I was young. Still, watching his friends and family mourn while the rest of Troy gathers wood gets boring very quickly, so I've been watching Achilles these last few days. He has upheld his promise to halt the Greek army while the Trojans mourn, destroying a possible opportunity to ambush Troy. This is a very honorable thing to do – Achilles is clearly the warrior most deserving of my personal favor.


	5. Who Says You Can't Go Home?

Journal 5

The Trojan War has finally ended, and in the Greeks' favor! Since I supported the Trojans, instead of the Greeks like she wanted me to, Hera will sneer at me for years to come, "all because you didn't follow my advice". Ugh. Since when have I done that? This war really wasn't even that great a story. No one will remember it in two hundred years. The Trojans certainly won't, since at the rate they're being slaughtered they won't last out the week. All of my family here on Olympus (including me) has been watching this turn of events with increasing amounts of horror. It is a warrior's right to pillage a conquered city, kill all the warriors, and to take back slaves. We aren't disputing that, but the Greeks have reached a level of brutality that few have ever reached before them (like my father, whom I defeated single-handed. People should tell that story more often). They have even attacked Trojans seeking refuge in our temples. Priam was killed in one of mine – it's horribly offensive that they think so little of me that they will ignore the refuge that he was supposed to have! I'll have to remind them that I'm the greatest god in their entire pantheon for a reason! Athena is especially angry at what happened in her temple at Troy – Cassandra, one of Troy's royal family, hid in her temple for safety. However, Ajax, one of the highest ranked Greek soldiers dragged her out of what should have been a safe place and raped her. Currently, I believe Athena and Poseidon are discussing what to do about this man (my brother's offended because he is the patron god of Troy, and this doesn't sit well with him). But anyways, the Greeks have given their whole focus to destroying Troy, and have killed all the men and enslaved many women and children. A whole lot of their anger comes from the recent death of Achilles, which came as a surprise even to me. The Greeks have been extraordinarily vengeful about him, going so far as to sacrifice some of the women of Troy to him. However, since this eleven-year war is finally over, there have been widespread celebrations all over the Greek camp, when they aren't blaming the shrinking number of Trojans for making the war go on so long. You know, now that the war is over, all the generals will be heading home. If we really want revenge, maybe we should mess up their return journey a little and make it just a slight bit longer?


End file.
